A Really Short Play in Three Acts
Overture: “Why Can’t You Behave?” by Cole Porter. Sung by Ella Fitzgerald
The curtain rises slowly revealing a spacious SoHo loft. Floor to ceiling windows line the entire wall downstage providing a breathtaking view of Hoboken New Jersey. It is around midnight when New Jersey looks best.
Thirty five year old Jeb Brusch is seated at a huge desk with three large flat-screen computer monitors and an awesome array of hardware. The work-weary web designers is doing what most guys like him do in their down time; surfing the internet porn sites. Two screens are visible to the audience revealing pictures of naked women. Jeb is visibly saving some pictures while discarding others.
Brusch is a far cry from a typical computer geek. He looks more like a fashion photographer. He sports designer cloths, a ponytail, and a pretty buff body. His cell phone rings.
JEB
Yo! Eddie, what up? Yeah I got the gig. It was like taking candy from a baby … with a lot of money. But check this out; he wants this to be an R-rated porn site.
Enter Hillary. Jebs’s twenty five year old stripper girlfriend is a dead ringer for Jenna Jameson. Six feet tall, blonde, blue eyed, perfect tan and breast implants. She is visibly tired and a clearly annoyed. Jeb is a taken back by her appearance.
JEB
Hey bro, I‘ll call ya tomorrow (rising to greet her) hey babe, what’s the matter?
HILLARY
Your girlfriend is stupid. That’s what’s the matter is.
JEB
Come on, you graduated from Tulane at 19, how could you be stupid?
HILLARY
Then why the fuck did I sub for Tracy? Huh? It not like I like her or anything?
Okay, I did it because I’m a really nice person. But you know what that makes me? A really nice stupid-person.
JEB
What happened?
HILLARY
(Throwing a hand full of dollar bills on the table)
No money is what happened. Look at this, I danced my ass off for three hours, and after tipping everybody out all I wound up with was five hundred dollars.
JEB
Damn, that does suck!
HILLARY
Do you know how degrading it is to strip for only a hundred dollars an hour? I mean, those are amateur’s wages. I’m Rachel Sugarblood for god sake.
JEB
Hilly what do you expect? You did work the stupid lunch shift.
HILLARY
No the shift isn’t stupid, I’m stupid for working it.
(She lights a cigarette and takes a glance at the screen)
Who’s the blonde? She’s kinda hot!
JEB
That’s you silly.
HILLARY
(Squinting to get a closer look)
So it is, damn, I must really be tired (Beat) are you working on Jean Claude’s site?
JEB
Not really. I’m trying to find soft porn to compare it with. I just got momentarily distracted.
HILLARY
What makes this holy child of god think putting up website with no nudity is gonna bring people to a titty bar? It makes no sense.
JEB
As long as the check doesn’t bounce, who cares?
HILLARY
I sure don’t. Look sweetheart, I’m turning in. (Kissing him) wake me when you come to bed … I’m feeling a little lonely tonight.
Hillary exits. Jeb grabs the TV remote to turn it off, but winds up channels surfing a while and stops at a tele-evangelist preaching. Jeb watches it a minute but is soon drifting towards sleep at his desk
The preachers words are heard as the lights slowly fade to black.
V.O. MINISTER
The evil, sinful work of Satan is all about you brothers and sisters. It’s everywhere I tell ya. It’s the devil that’s making juvenile girls parade around the streets half naked acting like a bunch of hoochie mamma’s... And it’s Satan who makes those advertisements on the internet marketing sinful sex. Did you know brothers and sisters that Pornography is the biggest moneymaker in on the internet? Ten billion dollars a year of sin. And Satan is behind it all. Yes he is. Every dollar a man spends on porno goes right into the pockets of the devil. Pornography is profit for Satan!
A minute later.
A blue and green light faintly illuminates the stage. There is no set. Jeb is only visible by a single red spotlight that follows him.
JEB
Hillary, Hillary! Where are you? (Looking around in confusion) …where am I for that matter? HILLARY!
A VOICE
Schhhh…
JEB
(Jumping to a karate stance)
Who’s there?
Enter, a short, small man dressed in a white tuxedo with tails. He has on a derby hat, carries cane, and a clipboard in one hand.
MAN
It’s me.
JEB
(Still in position to fight)
Who is me?
MAN
My good man, you don’t know who you are?
JEB
Of course I know who I am. Who the hell are you?
MAN
I am Pierre … the Keeper. And you would be?
JEB
(Looking around)
Confused as hell.
PIERRE
(Looking at a list on the clipboard)
Confused as hell, confused as hell… hmmm…well, uh, I don’t have you on my list.
JEB
No, no, no. My name isn’t confused as hell, I’m confused as hell
PIERRE
I see, but, do you know your name?
JEB
I just told you I know who I am.
PIERRE
But you didn’t tell me your name
JEB
Jeb. Jeb Brusch. There!
PIERRE
(Looking at the clipboard again)
I still don’t have you on my list. I’m afraid you’ll have to go back
JEB
Back? Back to where?
PIERRE
I don’t know. Where ever you came from. All I know is, you’re not supposed to be here.
JEB
Okay, Pierre, where is here? I mean, where are we?
PIERRE
This is purgatory.
JEB
Very funny, ha, ha, ha... But seriously Pierre, where am I?
PIERRE
This is Purgatory, and like I said, you’re not supposed to be here.
JEB
Look mister, this can’t be purgatory. Because if it was, I’d be dead.
PIERRE
(Laughing)
Oh, you’re definitely dead. I get The Grim Reaper’s manifest faxed hourly. It says here in black and white that you’re dead but it doesn’t show you on the list of souls scheduled to come here.
JEB
Listen Pierre. I am not dead, okay? Maybe this is some bizarre dream or something.
PIERRE
First of all sir, one HAS to be dead in order to show up in here. Besides, nobody ever dreams of going to purgatory. Heaven usually. Sometimes hell, but never purgatory.
JEB
How on earth can I possibly be dead? I don’t feel dead.
PIERRE
Have you ever been dead before?
JEB
No
PIERRE
So then how do you know what it feels like?
JEB
(Walking around and seeing nothing)
Look, no offence but, uh, is there anyone else I can talks to?
PIERRE
What did the angels tell you?
JEB
What angels?
PIERRE
At the Pearly Gates
JEB
Pearly Gates? You mean the Pearly Gates of heaven?
PIERRE
Yes, yes, what did they tell you?
JEB
I haven’t been to heaven. Only here.
PIERRE
Oh my! Oh dear, then I’m afraid you’re scheduled to go to hell
JEB
(Nervously)
There must be some kind of mistake
PIERRE
If there is Satan will sort it out once, you get to the oven
JEB
The oven?
PIERRE
(Raising the cane and placing it over jeb’s head)
It’s just a euphemism …well good luck
JEB
Wait!
In an instant, a bright flash of light appears and Jeb is gone. Lights fade to black
ACT TWO
Lights fade in. We are in the Satan’s living room. It is spacious, and decorated in modern furniture, all of which is red. In fact, everything is red.
Jeb is standing in the center of the room and taking it all in.
Enter: Satan. He is a handsome man in his forties dressed in a finely tailored red suit, shirt, and tie. He is startled to see jeb at first.
SATAN
Oh brother, not again…
(Walking up to jeb)
Pierre sent you didn’t he?
JEB
Uh, yes, are you the devil?
SATAN
Pardon my manners, why yes, I am Satan...
(Extends his hand)
You can just call me Lou
JEB
And this really is hell?
SATAN
Technically yes, but you happen to be in my house. The real hell is threw that door.
JEB
It’s really hot in here.
SATAN
This is nothing. Wait until you get in there
JEB
Wait a minute, that’s what I want to talk to you about
SATAN
Oh, there are no forms to fill out or anything, you can just go right in
JEB
No, you see I’m not suppose to be here
SATAN
Everybody says that at first.
JEB
I am sure they do, but I am really not supposed to be here. If you check, your records or call the grim reaper. He’ll tell you there’s been some mistake
SATAN
Now that I can believe. He’s been really screwing up lately
JEB
Ya see, so if you just call him
SATAN
Sure, I could but it won’t make any difference. You’re still stuck here.
JEB
Maybe I’m suppose to be in heaven
SATAN
Naw, God runs a tight ship. Now there’s a guy with control over his people. You should see how those angels fawn over him. Man if I had his… oh, I’m sorry. Uh, like I was saying, if you were supposed to be in heaven you’d be there. This is the grim reapers fuck-up, if you’ll pardon my French.
JEB
Then isn’t he suppose to fix it?
SATAN
You would think.
JEB
Then what am I suppose to do?
SATAN
Hell, I don’t know. Maybe you were a sinner. No offence, but, ya know, maybe it wasn’t a mistake after all.
JEB
But I didn’t do anything wrong.
SATAN
(Sniggering)
Oh come on, everybody’s done something wrong. That’s where all the fun is.
JEB
The worst thing I ever did was create porn sites for money. But that’s not a sin is it?
SATAN
Not to me it isn’t. But I’m not the best authority on what God considers a sin.. I get his rejects.
JEB
Whatever, look, can’t we just explain to the Grim Reaper there’s been a mistake? And …ya know, so I get to go back.
SATAN
He does owe me a favor
JEB
I’d really appreciate it. I mean I’d do anything. Do you have a website?
SATAN
No and I don’t want one either, I get enough traffic in this place already.
(Thinking)
Listen, Do you happen to know anything about air conditioning?
JEB
How’s that?
SATAN
The AC has been on the blink for three days.
JEB
I can’t believe this. I’m fixing the air conditioning for Satan, in hell much less.
SATAN
So you wouldn’t mind looking at it?
JEB
Not at all, but if this is hell, isn’t it suppose to be hot and horrible and everything
SATAN
Oh trust me,. it is horrible…out there. But this is my house, I don’t suffer. They suffer. Do you think I want to be around burning flames, demons and a bunch of miserable crying idiots all the time? Think again girlfriend.
(He walks over to a wall and lifts a panel)
The AC is right here.
JEB
I had a Koolair Six unit. I already know what’s wrong.
(He reaches inside and starts fooling around with wires)
Hey, do you mind if ask you something? It’s kind of personal.
SATAN
As long as it’s not about Scull and Bones or Courtney Love, go right ahead.
JEB
How much money do you make off pornography?
SATAN
What kind of question is that?
JEB
I heard a preacher on television talking about the evils of pornography and he said it was profit for Satan
SATAN
Oh, it’s just an expression. I get blamed for everything.
JEB
Well call me greedy, but it seems to me that if you get blamed for creating pornography, the least you should get out of it is some of the money.
SATAN
That sounds fair to me.
JEB
Do you know how much money is generated each year off of porno? Ten billion dollars mister!
SATAN
What’s your point?
JEB
My point is, why shouldn’t you get a percentage of that money?
SATAN
And how would I do that?
JEB
That you leave to me
SATAN
Okay brucsh, I smell what you’re cooking but I still don’t know what it is.
JEB
Alright, say I hack into the top one hundred money making porno sites and divert say, 1% of the daily sales into a special untraceable account for you. Now that comes out to over a million dollars a day.
SATAN
And why would you do that?
JEB
So you’d call the Grim Reaper and use that favor he owes you. Ya know, so I can go back to my life.
SATAN
Wait a minute. You can really do this?
JEB
Sure, I can. It will take me about a week. But I have to go back to my life and work from my machine and…
SATAN
You have twenty-four hours
JEB
That’s impossible
SATAN
Then you’d better get used to the idea of living in the burning depths of hell for the rest of eternity
JEB
But I need more time.. It will take a day just to set up a remote server that’s untraceable, then there’s finding a backdoor into bank accounts, then three’s…
SATAN
It isn’t personal Brusch, twenty-four hours is the longest I can send you back for. You’ll automatically come back in one day
The air conditioner clicks on and the place is quickly becoming cooler.
JEB
Gees, I just don’t know if this can be done
SATAN
By the way, thanks for fixing the air conditioner. The rest of this place doesn’t have it (he winks) get it?
JEB
I get it, okay, twenty-four hours. Let’s go.
The lights fade to black.
ACT 3
The curtain rises and we are back at Jeb’s loft. He is sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by ten computers and five monitors. He is wearing a headset and looking completely frantic. He immediately starts typing away and picks up his cell and dials.
JEB
Eddie, listen I need a favor. What do you mean where have I been? A week? I’ve been gone a week? Never mind, dude I don’t have time to explain. I need you to open an electronic account at the National bank in Oslo under the name Lucifer Blowfield, dude I’ll explain later but I need you do that now! Not five minutes from now. Just call me when you…
Enter Hillary. She is wearing a skin-tight red mini dress, and looking like she is set to go out. She eyes Jeb working and darts over to him.
HILLARY
Where the hell have you been mister?
JEB
(Barely acknowledging her)
In hell
HILLARY
Don’t play games with me Jeb, you’ve been missing for a week. I have been worried sick and everybody is looking for you.
JEB
Hillary, I don’t have time to explain.
HILLARY
Well you can explain on the way to the airport.
JEB
I’m not going …wherever you’re going …honey I really need to
HILLARY
What do you mean you’re not going? We’ve had tickets to the AVN awards for a year. Jeb! Jeb! Would you stop banging on that thing and listen to me!
(She steps over blocking his view of the screen)
JEB
Baby, I made a pact with devil, okay? Now if you don’t let me do this you’ll never see me again?
HILLARY
What he hell are you talking about?
JEB
Hillary, I’m dead.
HILLARY
No, not yet you’re not. But if you don’t start playing straight with me, I’ll kill you. Then you’ll be dead.
JEB
Sweetie you have to trust me, I just don’t have time to give details. Tomorrow, I will explain everything tomorrow.
HILLARY
Tomorrow I’ll be in Las Vegas
JEB
Okay okay, whenever you get back. But I have got to get to work.
HILLARY
Jeb, you’re supposed to receive an award.
JEB
HILLARY! Dammit, I am not going anywhere, I’m trying to save my soul here…now if you trust me…
HILLARY
Oh my God, you’re working for those gangsters again aren’t you?
JEB
No, worse
HILLARY
Jeb, if you don’t come with me now…then…then, we’re going to have to have a serious talk about this relationship when I get back…IF I come back
JEB
(Standing and grabbing her in his arms)
Sweetheart, you have to come back. Look, I’ll explain everything to you in twenty-four hours.
HILLARY
Listen Jeb, I don’t know what’s going on with you but I gotta tell you something.
JEB
Honey, it will have to wait
HILLARY
Jeb, you’re breaking my heart.
JEB
Hillary please!
HILLARY
I love you Jeb. I really do baby. And we have a good life, don’t we? We have a good life.
JEB
Yes we do, but…
HILLARY
We have a good time, don’t we?
JEB
Yes, yes, but…
HILLARY
And you know I don’t care if you sleep with other chicks…
JEB
Hillary, this has nothing to do with other women…
HILLARY
But you don’t spend enough time with me Jeb. I know you’re trying to keep your business afloat, but…
JEB
Hillary, if you don’t let me get this done you won’t have a boyfriend to come back to.
HILLARY
And now you’re keeping secrets from me
JEB
What secrets? I just don’t have time to explain, that’s all!
HILLARY
Well I have a little secret of my own
JEB
Fantastic. Tell me about it when you get back
HILLARY
But I wanted your impute.
JEB
And I’ll give it to you…when I finish saving my soul.
HILLARY
See? This is what I mean; you don’t have time for me.
JEB
I don’t have time right NOW Hillary. Just right now.
HILLARY
Vivid Video called. They want me to come back. And I wouldn’t have to give up dancing.
JEB
That’s great honey. If you want to go back to making porno flicks that’s cool with me, but I just don’t have time to discuss it right now. Please honey!
HILLARY
We’d have to move to LA
JEB
Good, fine, I don’t care where we live as long as I’m alive. Now can I please concentrate?
HILLARY
Okay, okay, I’m going. But we are going to talk when I get back,
JEB
(Stands again and puts his arms around her)
Hillary, dear…I love you, there’s isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. I want to marry you, I…
HILLARY
Marriage? Whoa! Let’s not get carried away here…
JEB
You KNOW what I mean, gees, look, just have a good time and I’ll tell you everything when you get back
HILLARY
You’d better, because I’m pissed.
(She kisses him)
I’m still pissed.
Hillary exits and Jeb runs back to the computer and is feverishly typing away on the keyboard.
Music fades in: Flight of the Bumblebees.
Time passes by virtue of lighting. First the son sets and it is nighttime. Soon the sun can be seen rising off the reflection of the buildings in Hoboken.
Jeb is a frenzied mess. He has been up all night chain smoking and downing dozens of cups of coffee.
JEB
(Looking up at the clock)
Damn, one more hour…now to see if this shit works… come on my little money hungry worm, do your thing. That’s it, transfer to Lucifer account. Automatic deletions of activity …escape. And all from a remote server in Antarctica. …I don’t believe it! It works, it bloody well works! Oh man, I can’t believe I pulled this off.
Jeb finally relaxes. He walks over to the couch and falls down in exhaustion. The lights fade to black and a brief interlude of music begins. The curtain comes down and immediately rises again. We are back in Satan’s living room. He is behind his computer and is startled to see Jeb who has reappeared on his couch.
SATAN
You gave me a fright there. Hey Jeb, look at this! I made a million dollars even before you got back. This shit is brilliant!
JEB
So you’re pleased?
SATAN
Are you kidding? Now I adore porn even more than ever. You’re a genius Jeb. A regular first class genius.
JEB
Thanks, thanks a lot. So I can go now? Right?
SATAN
Huh?
JEB
So I can go back to living again, ya know, on earth
SATAN
Not exactly
JEB
What do you mean by not exactly?
SATAN
I changed my mind
JEB
What do you mean by changed your mind?
SATAN
Not changed, really. I planned this from the very beginning.
JEB
Planned what? From the beginning?
SATAN
In keeping you here. Not here per-se, actually in there. Ya know, the real hell
JEB
But wait a minute, we had a deal
SATAN
(Laughing)
A deal? Damn, didn’t you learn anything in Sunday school? Surly you know better than to make a deal with the devil.
JEB
Wait a minute, you lied to me, and you deceived me
SATAN
Yeah, and it really wasn’t that difficult either. And let me thank you again for fixing the A.C.
A door opens up revealing the entrance to the real hell. Darkness, fires, and the SOUND of people moaning can be heard from inside. A force is drawing Jeb against his will towards the door.
JEB
Wait you can’t do this, wait, stop! Please! Come on man…
SATAN
Another ten grand! God the money is just poring in.
(Shouting to Jeb who is just about all the way threw the door)
Thanks again Jeb.
The lights dim and screams from jeb are heard. In a moment, the stage is completely black and the curtain comes down.
MORNING
The curtain rises and jeb is asleep at his desk. He is at home but it is not the same place. He is behind a desk with three screens that have pictures of churches on them. The house is a small bungalow with typical Midwestern Middle American design. Jeb is dressed in boring cloths and has a typical frat-boy haircut.
Enter Hillary. She is the same woman as before only thirty pounds heavier but still attractive in the Sunday school teacher sense of the word. She is wearing a frumpy dress, glasses, and her hair is in a bun atop her head. With a bible in one hand and a pocketbook in the other, Hillary walks over to Jeb and begins shaking his shoulder.
HILLARY
Jeb honey, wake up. We’re going to be late for service. Jeb!
(Looking at the screen)
Oh, honey that design is beautiful. No, wonder all the churches in town want you to design their websites.
The End
Porn Is Profit for Satan and all contents in the collection titled You Always Hurt the One You Love is protected by the United States Copyright office. Any publication, public performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written permission of the author Gaz O’Connor. Copyright 2005
This is am uncorrected proof.
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