So you want to live in good old Gotham eh? Well, the first juicy little fact one must cradle in the bosom of understanding is this: no matter what goes wrong in this city, it is always your fault. Die-hard New Yorkers have a collective PhD. in blaming; someone, anyone, rather than admit to fault. If you plan on being a dweller in the city that never takes an afternoon nap, you can take comfort in knowing there is always somebody to hold responsible for any misfortune that should befall you. Try that one in Iowa.
Seeking Advice
We New Yorkers are a prideful lot and consequently find it damn right impossible to enunciate the words: “I don’t know”. No New Yorker worthy of a MertoCard would dare utter such a thing. We sincerely believe it is far more accommodating to furnish incorrect information as opposed to none at all. I once witnessed a lost tourist asking a man how to get to Trump Tower and being told it was in the Bronx. I’m sure the Donald does owns something in the Boogie-Down, but that’s not where he lives. More untrustworthy than live encounters, is trying to obtain facts over the telephone. I can’t stress this enough, if you are seeking direction of any kind, phone-up the place no less than three hundred times. You will get a different answer every time. The one thing they will all tell you is: the incorrect information you received on the previous call is not their fault. This is simply a polite way to suggest, it must be yours.
Shopping
Merchants will not say thank you when you purchase items from their store. Yes, I know in every other corner of the civilized world they actually say: “thank you” for shopping in their humble establishments. But not in La Pomme Gros mon cher! It is outright rude and totally inexcusable however, not to thank the ungrateful and indifferent proprietor. After all, they didn’t have to sell you the thirty pound box of boric acid you need to feed the families of roaches that live, eat and procreate in your $2.300.00 per month studio apartment …rent free. Any card carrying New York City chick will eagerly testify; one needs attitude, and super-human forbearance to successfully shop here. Customer service, in the rare places one might stumble upon it, is considered an annoying anomaly that, for the most part (whew!) does not exist in Manhattan. You will get great customer service in Blomingdales, Lord and Taylor, and Starbucks. But that is only because these companies have strict “Must Smile At Customer” policies and powerful surveillance cameras spying on every gesture of employees on the floor. Ironically, the customer service at Barnes and Noble is absolutely awful and that is one of the reasons so many New Yorkers seek comfort there. Feels like home.
Apartments
Finding a decent place to live, hell, any place to live for that matter, is immeasurably more complicated than securing a well-paying job, a good shrink or a reliable drug dealer. If you do happen to find an apartment… anywhere be sure to pull out your Reverend Ike prayer rug, drop to your humble knees and thank God almighty for the miracle. And by no means ever give up the lease. Even if you die. Keep that lease dammit! A lot of dead New Yorkers are still only paying four hundred dollars a month. You should understand however, all rentals are fairly priced. Well, from the landlord and the broker’s perspective. Nobody cares about yours.
The City Is Not As Dangerous As It Used To Be
What constitutes a threat varies from person to person. For example, to a little old white lady, a posse of seven dew-rag wearing African American teenagers is a threat. To those same kids the police pose a threat. And to all New Yorkers, Chinese food delivery guys are a threat. But remember, after they come barreling the wrong way down the street and knock you to the ground, think. Before you wipe the General Ts’s chicken grease off your face, before you curse him out in the little bit of Mandarin you know, ask yourself: who’s fault is this? I can promise you the delivery guy will fall all over himself with apologies, but, he won’t mean it. In his mind it’s still your fault for being there in the first place.
So you see, safety on the streets has little to do with crime. It basically means one must be careful that someone or something doesn’t knock you down, run you over or drop on your head. take crossing the street for example. All new Yorkers, and i do mean every single person in this city stands five to ten feet off the curb while waiting for the light to change. don’t worry about the cars that are trying to make a turn. your being in the way is their problem, not yours. and mothers are just as guilty of this as anyone else. when you arrive here you will see scores of mommies pushing their precious little ones in strollers and standing out in traffic waiting for the opportunity to jay walk. i know the idea defies logic. why would you stand with your child IN traffic and then subsequently cross the street illegally? Nevertheless, please keep your dismay and wonder to yourself. if you attempt to point out to the mother how dangerous it is, you’re risking a smack in the mouth. But she will defintily curse your ass out, and good too.
Men or Gay People
It is a sad but fact of reality that most of the few straight men that do exist in Manhattan are nothing to look at. Although to any dyed-in-the-wool New York City Chick, having a man with money is far more important that good looks, ethics or high principles. So here it is ladies, if you want to look at good-looking men without having to talk to them, hangout in the West Village or Chelsea. If you want to look at good looking straight men, keep watching Sex and The City.
Social influences
The social pathology of the typical New Yorker is as extraordinary as the city is over-priced. Consider this strange little nugget of observation: there are no shy people in New York City. Think now, do you know one shy person who lives here? This is a wonderful city, but an aggressive environment that will beat this social disease out of your innocent character against your will. But think of all the juicy advantages of living in a town where you can tell a total stranger to fuck-off and it is perfectly acceptable.
Tourist
I hate to tell all you wide eyed tourist this but, the truth is, all New Yorkers hate you. Unless they happen to be merchants or cab drivers. But as soon as they have your money, they hate you again. And the reason? You folks are just too damn polite and friendly. We detest these human qualities because it reminds us of the kind of people we used to be. One of the foremost complaints about visitors is; you walk way to slow for us. We understand how badly you want to ride the subway or take the Staten Island Ferry for the mere fun of it. But do you have to have your transportation fete during rush-hour? When this happens in the morning it’s an annoyance. But all commuters have the energy for is to give you dirty looks. However, sight seeing after work, when people are rushing to get home or to the bar, is outright dangerous. And for god’s sake. Please please, please stop wearing those stupid-ass Statue of Liberty foam crowns in public. We already know you’re a tourist, there’s no point in wearing a sign that says: Stupid tourist.
Dog Town
In India they worship the cow. In New York City they worship the dog. If you are moving here from the Midwest or some other rational part of the country, you will need to change your entire way of thinking about dogs. In Michigan a dog is owned primarily for protection. The animal knows his responsibility to the house and family. Dogs in the Midwest spend ten hours a day in the frigid cold and not one of them owns a doggie sweater. In New York City, dogs are stand-in emotional support systems for people too wise or too unlucky to have children of their own. Consequently they are infinitely more important than pets. Dogs are members of the family. A city dog is no more expected to prevent a burglary than ten year old Timmy. If you want real protection, move into a doorman building or buy a gun.
If you should happen to run into an acquaintance or especially a stranger walking their own personal Tinkerbelle, remember to fawn over the mongrel as if you wanted to own it. After all, this is not only their substitute child, it is their heartrending and pathetic cure for bitter loneliness and living proof that something in this world loves and needs them. Therefore, you’ll need to humor the canine’s psycho-affectionate “parents” with some bonne bouche of deference. So plant this one in the old think-tank right now: all dogs are cute. It doesn’t matter how bone-sucking ugly the mutt is in real life, to the owner you must always verbally baptize the critter with: “Isn’t he the cutest thing?” Of course the overbearing “parents” really don’t care if you’re lying or not. Both parties know it’s just the socially acceptable thing to do. And if their precious little family member should suddenly lunge at you, without provocation mind you, and remove your middle finger, by all means apologize for antagonizing the animal to the point of violent rage. After all, it is your fault.
The End
The Rookies Guide To The Big Apple and all contents in the collection titled You Always Hurt The One You Love are protected by the United States Copyright office. Any publication, public performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written permission of the author Gaz O’Connor. Copyright 2005
This is am uncorrected proof.
No comments:
Post a Comment