THE WHITE FOLKS GUIDE TO BEING GHETTO-FABULOUS

So you long to be ghetto.

That’s fabulous honey-bunch. It’s nice to want things. However, before we go skipping merrily down Frederick Douglas Boulevard on a quest of ghetto enlightenment, let us get a stranglehold on the facts. It takes a lifetime to perfect the art of being truly ghetto. Hence, it should never be regarded as fully perfected. So kiddies, let us get one thing crystal clear and Windex clean: being ghetto is not an act and should never be mocked or cheaply imitated. This kind of conduct is not only condescending and offensive, but it could also lead to a beat-down.

Though the title of mon petite treatise is deliberately deceiving, this humbled exposition is by no means an attempt at a “How-To” guide or even a ‘crash-course’ in obtaining ghetto-dom. It is, at best, a semi-formal checklist to make darn-sure one understands the very nuts and bolts of being truly ghetto, least you be laughed at, chased or both.

Clearing the Social Air: White trash is not ghetto.

This is an all too common misconception made by innocent, yet, ignorant people. White trash is mired in slothfulness and a complete lack of effort to achieve a social signature. But an enormous effort is put into being black ghetto, which I admit is over-stating the obvious. In white trash-dom, clean cloths, or even concern about clothing at all, is entirely inconsequential. In white-trash-dom clothing that is chosen is always in pour taste. In the ghetto, clothing is tantamount to ones identity, and consequently of great social value. Bad taste in clothing is carefully thought out and labored over. In white trashdom, the tongue is lazy resulting in the mispronunciation of words. In the ghetto, the mispronunciation of words is deliberate. For example: “You’s stoooped!” is correct. Whereas “You are stupid” or, “You’re stupid” is incorrect. Carefully crafted miss-use of common expressions is also done intentionally with admirable effort.

It might be necessary to change your name. Even if, you have never ventured to the inner urban jungle, you should already know there are no sisters in the hood named Amy, Sue, or Alexa. Conversely, one will never encounter a white girl named Shanniqua. ,life is strange that way. A nickname is good beginning. But white girls beware! In the hood, Becca is not an acceptable nickname for Rebecca.

We now unravel one of the infamous mysteries of ghetto life. The “N” word. An offensive remark that was originally intended to insult black people. Liberal-minded white folks today cringe and sweat when hearing it spoken in public. This happens for understandable reasons. White folks are hearing the word “nigger” being spoken when “nigg-guh” is what was actually said. Understandably, confusion ensues. Believe me, I know behind closed-doors white folks are nudging each other and whispering: “Why do they call each other … you know, the N-word?” It is very important to understand that no matter how ghetto you actually become, it is still never okay for you to use the word no matter how it is pronounced. It is true that many ghetto white folks use it, But at great personal risk.

Music

Music is not only vital for pleasure, but also critical to survival. It is dangerous to your health to walk or drive around without it. There are large spectrums of artistic talent to select from, But, remember, if you do not absolutely love, love, love, gangsta rap; you might as well throw in the towel now.Furthermore, if you find rap lyrics “sexist”, please shut the *&%@ up and go cry your wretched case to Andréa Dworkin. Let us enjoy out jams in peace. For the beginner in ghetto music, 50 Cent, Ja Rule, Foxy Brown, and Lil Kim are good jumping off points. They are also good role models. Remember, when listening to your chosen artist in a public place, or in your car, the volume must absolutely be deafening. If everyone can’t hear it, what’s the point of listening at all?

For the white person who aspires to being a Rapper, frankly, the odds are stacked unfairly against you. Are you listening K-Fed? It is not, in reality your fault (or maybe it is) that you never lived in the good old ghetto. Since rap music is created from reporting the truth about the hood, it is damn near impossible for a white person to achieve empathy with the hip-hop community when rapping about trying to decide between Harvard and Yale. By the way, if anyone is even thinking of combining say, Mozart and The Ohio Players to make a new form of music, please do us all a favor and kill yourself now.

For any person attempting a career as a rapper is essential to know these facts: if you are a musician who can read music or play a musical instrument, you will never make it. Rapping is all about bustin rhymes and kicking dope lyrics. Who cares if you can play the flugelhorn! Can you scratch on a turntable? Program a drum machine? Or for that matter, do you even know the difference between a pimp-slap and a bitch-slap? Think-think.

Lifestyle

When talking on your Nextel, please remember your manners! Make sure everyone within gunshot can hear you. It is darn right rude and annoying to hear that loud beep go off and then hear no juicy tête-à-tête. Cell phone calls made in public should always be gossip related, attempting to get money owed to you, trying to hook up or cursing somebody out.

Having good credit with Chemical Bank is nice. But having good credit in the street in necessary if you plan on doing ghetto But news travels fast in the hood so you’d better be on top of your game.

Smoking.

Yes, it is an unhealthy habit. But if you must, by all means please smoke Newport’s! I should not have to tell you this, but why take chances. Come on, how on earth can you possibly call yourself ghetto and destroy your lungs with anything less? Frankly, I’d feel horrible and personally responsible if some otherwise, ghettoized white person was at a party and unwittingly pulled out a box of American Spirits, or, god- forbid, Nate Sherman’s.

Diet and Exercise

There are presently no established rules of order regarding exercise, however diet is another matter. God bless Dr. Atkins’, but you won’t find him or the South Beach Diet doctor flogging their best sellers at the Barnes and Noble on 125^th street. Not in this life girlfriend. The basic rule of thumb is this; eat at Pop-Eye’s whenever you want, just don’t eat too much.

Not Having A Booty

This is a depressing and painful genetic disadvantage of being born Caucasian. The very subject is an exceptionally slippery slope for white girls because they have been programmed since puberty that a girl can never be too thin. Psychologist Elizabeth Uzi told me: “You just don’t understand, having booty is not a good thing in a white girl’s life.” But it is in the ghetto, and herein lays the problem. Even if a white girl could psycho socially get herself to aspire “ghetto-booty”, how would she acquire it? That however, is the subject for another article.

Clothing In General

Designer cloths are another example of the difference between ghetto and white trash. You will never see a hillbilly in an Armani suit he can’t afford. But you will see a brother. A hillbilly will be poor and look poor. But a brother will be flat broke and not only look good, but will look like he’s got some money. Sean Jean, J-Lo, Baby Phat, and Eve’s Fetish line, are all excellent labels to max-out a credit card with. Tommy Hilfiger is acceptable if your black and ghetto. If you are white, it looks a little different. Think about it.

Clothing: Men

You have a long list of styles to choose from, but it is important to remember to wear a do-rag. Yes, they are perfectly acceptable attire at weddings, funerals and in mug shots. Personally, I have still yet to see a white boy, other than Eminem, sporting one.

It may be overstating the obvious, but just in case, pants absolutely MUST be a minimum of ten inches too long and bunched up at the ankle. Nine inches is not enough, you could loose your woman over a gaffe like that.

Sneakers are an indispensable and sacred part of your wardrobe. It isn’t essential which of the top designers made them. It is infinitely more important that you paid too much money for them. And please, keep them sparkling white … at all times! If someone should accidentally step on them, you must react as if they tried to murder your child. Another thing to keep in mind; the sneakers you wear on the street are not the same ones you play ball in. Get it?

Clothing: Women

Pants protocol for women is the polar opposite of men. Jeans must be at least one size too small. You can gauge the effectiveness of your efforts by remembering; the greater the struggles to get them on, the better you look!

Large, gaudy, gold earrings, though not as popular as they once were, are still in vogue,. Oddly, they greatly accentuate a white girl’s ensemble, particularly if her hair is braided. And please don’t ever publicly use the expression: “I went to the beautician and Antonio cut and colored my hair” or something comparably inane. There is only one acceptable way to say it: “I got my hair did.”

Yes, I know on Park Avenue, women have there hair done. But in the hood, your hair gets “did.”

Finally, you must wear excessively large, fake acrylic fingernails. But please, always opt for outrageous designs in colors that clash. Single-colored nails just screams of white chick.

Good Luck!

The White Folks Guide To Being Ghetto Fabulous and all contents in the collection titled You Always Hurt the One You Love is protected under the law by the United States Copyright office. Any publication, public performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written permission of the author Gaz O’Connor. Copyright 2011

This is am uncorrected proof