Overture: An instrumental rendition of: I’m Beginning To See The Light by Duke Ellington. The curtain rises to reveal a small cyber cafe.
Unlocking the front door and entering is twenty-something Lala. A tall, thin, blonde, East Village species of New York City chick. She is dressed in pink hot pants, pink converse all-stars, black fishnet stockings, a day-glow purple bikini top, and a thousand sequined bangles on each of her arms that show minor bruises.
Lala saunters in, unfazed by the appearance of the place. Chairs are overturned, a few broken bottles lay about, and a huge broken mirror hangs halfway off the wall. She turns up the lights and attempts to turn on the coffee machine. It refuses to operate so she punches the thing and it starts to kick over. She begins singing the lyrics to the song. And in a second is performing it as if she where on stage.
Standing outside the door is Gaz. A young man who looks in desperate need of caffeine. He points to a sign hanging on the door. Lala notices his confusion and shouts above the music.
WAITRESS
We don’t open for another minute and a half!
She continues singing while making herself a cup of coffee. The song ends and she bows to the “audience”. A second later her cell phone rings. She lights a cigarette and sits down with coffee before answering.
WAITRESS
Hey Jen, what’s up? (Beat) naw I can’t go…. Don’t you ever listen to your messages? Oh, some asshole busted in here last night after I closed up. what do ya mean what did I do? I beat the living shit outta him that’s what I did. That’s why I gotta go back to the police station. The little asswipe is pressing charges of assault against me! Wait, hang on I got to let this guy in.
She walks over to the door and opens it for Gaz.
WAITRESS
Welcome to The Dreamz Café. Have a seat anywhere … you’re able. I’ll be with you in a minute.
Gaz enters and picks up a chair, drags it over to a table and sits down. He Immediately starts thumbing threw a Bible and looking at notes.
Enter an elderly white man dressed in an Armani suit and expensive looking shoes. He has a neatly trimmed white long beard, and healthy rosy colored cheeks. He approaches the only customer in the place. But Gaz speaks first.
GAZ
God?
GOD
Wow! You’re good. What gave it away?
GAZ
Wait, gosh. It is you. Holy shit! Ahhh, I’m sorry. It's just that…
GOD
Relax my son.
GAZ
Huh?
GOD
Gaz! Chill already.
GAZ
Sorry. I ...just got a little freaked out. But I’m okay now.
GOD
Good...
GAZ
Well, how are you today?
GOD
I feel good but these shoes are killing me.
GAZ
Come again?
GOD
Salvador and Ferragamo much less.
GAZ
I can’t get over it.
GOD
I know, you think for this kind of money they would at least be comfortable.
GAZ
Not that...That you really are an old white man just like the renaissance paintings.
GOD
No, I just borrowed this human form so I wouldn't freak you out.
GAZ
Really?
GOD
And I got to tell you Gaz; I don't do this kind of thing much anymore. I'm so damn busy these days.
GAZ
I'll bet. But at least you get to rest on Sundays.
GOD
Sundays? Are you kidding?
GAZ
But the Bible says…
GOD
Look, Sunday is the busiest day of my week. Do you have any idea how many church services take place in the world on a Sunday?
GAZ
Come to think of it...
.
GOD
Okay…
(Grabbing the bible)
Genesis...yada, yada, yada…okay, on the seventh day God rested? See?
(Slams it closed)
Well my friend that was the last day I got any rest.
GAZ
Father, I have a confession to make.
GOD
I’m not a priest. I’m the creator of the universe.
GAZ
Sorry, look… this is hard...okay. See, I didn't believe in you for a few years.
GOD
What’s your point?
GAZ
I was an atheist.
GOD
Oh, boo-hoo, it looks like I’ll just have to banish you to hell for all of eternity!
GAZ
Are you serious?...wait, you're joking.
GOD
Gazzie, do you really think a person believing in me is a guaranteed one-way ticket into heaven? Ya know this doing goods works thing is seriously underrated.
GAZ
But isn’t the most important thing believing in you?
GOD
Come on, do I look that insecure? Gaz, I know I exist. It’s far more important for man to be good to one another. Do you see what I’m saying? You all should stop paying so much attention to me and more to each other. I’m fine.
GAZ
Well you see… nobody really understands you.
GOD
That my friend is an understatement if ever there was one. .
GAZ
I have some important questions.
GOD
Okay, shoot.
GAZ
All right, is the world coming to and end?
GOD
THIS world? You’d better hope so.
GAZ
Really?
GOD
Yes. And before you ask, I don’t know when.
GAZ
I guess you haven’t decided yet.
GOD
Me? Hey, I’ve got nothing to do with it.
GAZ
But the bible says…
GOD
Again with the bible.
GAZ
So you’re not going to destroy to the world.
GOD
Not at all. You’ll do that.
GAZ
You mean mankind. Us mortals?
GOD
Bingo!
GAZ
That makes sense.
GOD
Frankly I’m surprised you people lasted this long.
GAZ
Are we really that bad?
GOD
Let me put it this way, if I had to do it all over again...
GAZ
Yeah.
GOD
I’d have to give this Garden of Forbidden Fruit thing some serious second thought.
GAZ
Why is that?
GOD
Because the world is really messed up and all people can say is, how could God let this happen?
GAZ
That’s true, they do say that. It’s not realistic.
GOD
It’s also not fare.
GAZ
I apologize for mankind. Seriously. Mortals have always been somewhat of an embarrassment to me.
GOD
Eh, you’re only human. (Laughs) get it? Only human?
GAZ
Yeah, yeah, but the Bible says you’ll destroy the world by fire.
GOD
Actually in most modern translations it says that the world will be destroyed by fire. It does not say that I specifically will do it. And if it does, it’s a misprint.
GAZ
Okay but the world IS coming to and end?
GOD
It doesn’t have to. Well not prematurely at least.
GAZ
PREMATURELY? Prematurely implies that there is a predestined time of destruction. So what you’re saying is we don’t have to destroy the world sooner than what is already been decided.
GOD
Damn gaz, you really know how to complicate a simple matter.
GAZ
Lord, you gotta understand, it’s frankly not that simple. I just want to know when the world is coming to an end. That’s all.
GOD
Yes I know.
GAZ
So why won’t you tell me?
GOD
I can’t tell you
GAZ
I see, so then can you at least tell me WHY you can’t tell me?
GOD
For two reasons.
GAZ
And they are?
GOD
A, you won’t believe me. And b, I don’t know
GAZ
You don’t know. But you’re God, how can you not know what’s going to happen?
GOD
Predicting what mortals will do? Are you kidding? Look, I can create the universe and all living things … standing on my head, but predicting what people will do is as beyond me as it is you. Remember I did give man free will. And that goes right back to what I said before, I should have thought that one through a little more. Honestly, you’d be better off going to a psychic. (Beat) Listen Gaz, do you have a cigarette?
GAZ
What? You smoke?
GOD
No! But you’re exasperating me
GAZ
But smoking? I mean its bad for your health.
GOD
Don’t worry; it’s not my body.
GAZ
Well, is there a hell?
GOD
Of course. Ever been on the 7-train at rush hour? OYE!
GAZ
Okay Okay, is there really a devil?
GOD
You mean Satan?
GAZ
Yeah.
GOD
Sure, Lucifer and I were talking just the other day and…
GAZ
Wait, you were talking to Satan?
GOD
Arguing to be honest.
GAZ
I’ll bet.
GOD
I got him Knicks tickets and he scalped them at the Garden.
GAZ
That doesn’t surprise me a bit.
GOD
I don’t care about that, but you think he’d at least give me half the money.
GAZ
This is blowing my mind.
GOD
How do you think I feel? Do you know how hard it is to get those tickets? Courtside Gaz!
GAZ
No, that you even bother to talk to Lucifer. I mean he’s so evil.
GOD
You know Gazzie that IS his job. Fallen angel, banished from heaven? "How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning? How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!”? Isaiah 14:12...I thought you read the bible.
GAZ
But I mean...
GOD
What? You think I hate the devil because he’s evil?
GAZ
Well I didn’t want to put it that way.
GOD
Remember God loves all his children. OK? But that doesn’t mean I like everybody. Geez! You really are wearing me out here.
GAZ
But how can you…
GOD
Sorry to interrupt you kid, but how about that smoke?
Gaz takes out a box of American Spirits and places them on the table. God picks up the box and chuckles.
GOD (contnd)
American Spirits. Now that is ironic.
The waitress saunters over to the table.
WAITRESS
Hi, I’m Lala. Do you’s guys know what ya want?
GOD
LALA! You know that’s her real name Gaz?
GAZ
How quaint. Look La-La, do you have…?
LALA
NO, all we have is coffee.
GAZ
So why did you ask me what I wanted?
LALA
Just trying to do my job mister. Shit man, there was a fight in here last night and some stuff got broke.
GOD
I’ll just have coffee Lala.
LALA
See, coffee I can do?
GAZ
I’ll have a decaf. By the way, this is God.
LALA
(Extending her hand)
Please to make your acquaintance your holiness.
GAZ
No, he really is God.
LALA
Did I say anything? (Turns to God) Is he always so difficult?
GOD
He’s just a little jumpy today.
LALA
Good thing he ordered decaf.
She walks away giving God a wink over her shoulder.
GOD
She’s pretty cute eh?
GAZ
Don’t tell me you’re going to hit on the waitress?
GOD
Now that really wouldn’t be fare would it? I‘m only in town for a day…. wait; I thought you had so many questions.
GAZ
I do, I do. So what is it like to die?
GOD
You’re kidding?
GAZ
No.
GOD
Of all the questions you could ask the creator of the universe.
GAZ
You really like that creator of the universe business don’t you?
GOD
I do. I do like it. It’s got a really cool kind of ring to it.
GAZ
I guess, anyway, so you won’t tell me what happens when you die?
GOD
I didn’t say that.
GAZ
All right forget it.
GOD
Good… It’s not very nice anyway.
GAZ
How’s that?
GOD
What happens when you die? It’s not very nice.
GAZ
I thought we weren’t going to talk about this.
GOD
We’re not. All I said was……
GAZ
Yeah, yeah, I get it. It’s horrible and everything.
GOD
See now you’re putting words in my mouth.
GAZ
I beg your pardon?
GOD
I never said it was horrible.
GAZ
Ok, ok, you’re starting to make me nervous.
GOD
I don’t know why. You’re not scheduled to go for quite some time.
GAZ
Scheduled?
GOD
I don’t like the expression either.
GAZ
Yeah, yeah, but what do you mean by scheduled?
GOD
Well Gaz, we all got go sometime.
GAZ
Okay, see now I am nervous…k, one question.
GOD
Shoot.
GAZ
When you die, does it hurt?
GOD
Yeah.
GAZ
Oh god!
GOD
Well most of the time it does.
GAZ
This is so depressing.
GOD
Ya know you really ought to be taking this matter up with The Lords of Karma.
GAZ
Who?
GOD
They want everyone to call them The Archangels of Human Duality. But come on, how lame it that?
GAZ
What are you talking about?
GOD
I’m trying to…whew! Trying…look, do you have any other questions?
GAZ
Is there life on other planets?
GOD
Which planet?
GAZ
I don’t know…any planet…any…
GOD
(Looking at his watch)
Amazing
GAZ
So?
GOD
I just can’t get over this.
GAZ
Great, so what’s wrong with THIS question?
GOD
Gaz, I picked up this watch on Canal Street for five bucks and it keeps perfect time.
GAZ
No fooling? Damn, not many people can say that. Wait, what about my question?
GOD
I’m sorry. What did you want to know?
GAZ
If, I mean, is there? You know, life on other planets?
GOD
Gaz, other planets are life forms.
GAZ
You know what I mean.
GOD
Not really. I mean the question is kind of redundant don’t you think?
GAZ
How’s that?
GOD
Okay, if another planet is a living thing, the question pretty much defies logic.
GAZ
I can see your point but do you know what I mean?
GOD
Maybe. Are you talking about little green men and what not?
GAZ
Yeah! Like E.T.’s and stuff like that?
GOD
Now that was a cute movie.
GAZ
Huh?
GOD
E.T. that was such a sweet film. A real tear jerker.
GAZ
Whatever.
GOD
Whatever? You’re not going to sit here and tell me you didn’t like E.T.?
GAZ
Okay, I liked it but are there creatures like that?
GOD
For their sake I hope not. If a creature that nice came to earth man would kill it and you’d never know about it.
GAZ
Has that has happened?
GOD
Of course it’s happened. That’s why they don’t land here anymore. And I don’t blame them. Surly you have something else you want to know.
GAZ
I’m sorry but I am still very curious about the devil. I mean on an intellectual level.
GOD
So what is it?
GAZ
Does the devil, you know, possess people?
GOD
Do you mean like in the Exorcist?
GAZ
Yeah.
GOD
Okay, now THAT really was a good movie.
GAZ
Oh come oh…
GOD
Sure isn’t it a great concept? A little girl possessed by the devil. An exorcism. Ooooh! Spooky.
GAZ
But isn’t all that wrong?
GOD
How’s that?
GAZ
Making movies about demon possession and evil stuff.
GOD
Gazzer, if they made movies about people possessed by the Holy Spirit and running around doing good deeds, I mean you’d fall asleep before the credits finished.
GAZ
Oh I don’t know. It sounds kind of nice in a way.
GOD
It’s boring. Nobody would go to the theaters. And I’ll tell ya, every time they make a movie like the Exorcist we get millions of people coming before heaven’s door repenting and carrying on. Its kind of a drag for the angels…they have to work weekends, you know how it is.
GAZ
We’re getting way off the subject here
GOD
We?
(Takes a breath)
Satan. Hmmm what can I tell you …?
GAZ
Yeah, tell me something I just won’t believe. I mean since you know him so well.
GOD
Well Gazzie, he’s not real happy with the way things are going on earth either.
GAZ
Oh come on, you can’t be serious. I mean the world is pretty evil.
GOD
No doubt about that. But a lot of it is crazy- insane evil and Satan gets no credit for that. And these are the people that make hell so unpleasant for Lucifer.
GAZ
What you talking bout Willis?
GOD
The other day Lucifer is telling me about what a pain Hitler is to have around.
GAZ
You were talking with Satan about Hitler?
GOD
We were supposed to playing gin.
GAZ
Rummy? Gin Rummy?
GOD
Un-huh, so Lucifer is telling me that Hitler was running around telling everybody that he is eviler than anyone else. Even Lucifer.
GAZ
Shut up!
GOD
Scouts honor.
GAZ
What did Lucifer do?
GOD
It’s kind of funny really.
GAZ
What’d he do? What’d he do?
GOD
Ok, so Lou walks up to Adolph and taps him on the shoulder. Hitler turns around and Lucifer pimp-slaps him right there on the spot.
GAZ
Are you serious?
GOD
And he says to him, look, you little sawed off Nazi punk. If I told you once I told YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, I am the only one who is evil around here. The rest of you are simply bad. I am the only evil one. Got it?
GAZ
Wait a minute, how creditable is this story.
GOD
GAZ, I’m the creator of the universe what do I have to gain by making this up?
GAZ
Ok, ok, look, is there any right religion?
GOD
I suppose. But frankly I don’t get involved with religion.
GAZ
But you’re god.
God
And?
Gaz
Well I mean religion is all about god.
God
You might want to re-think that last statement.
Gaz
Why?
God
Because religion has very little to with me personally. That’s man’s invention. And not a very good one either.
Gaz
How’s that?
GOD
Think about how I feel. Every religion makes me out to me some kind of meanie.
Gaz
Yeah I can see that.
God
I mean it gets a little frustrating at times.
Gaz
But is there a right religion?
GOD
Now that depends on whom you’re talking to. Man inheritably suffers from spiritual one-upmanship. Everyone thinks their religion is the right one and that everyone who doesn’t follow them is going to hell. I mean that’s a lot like saying French is a better language than Portuguese. Hell, French is a better language if you’re in France. But it won’t do you much good in Brazil.
Gaz
Okay so there are different religions just like there are different languages.
GOD
Precisely. My son didn’t die on a cross for Methodist or Catholics. He did it for everybody. Whether you believe in him or not.
GAZ
My minister says…
GOD
Wait a minute. IS your minister rich?
GAZ
As a matter of fact he is quite wealthy
GOD
Then don’t listen to him. You can figure out why on your own.
(God takes out a twenty-dollar bill and places it on the table)
When Lala returns tell her to keep the change
GAZ
That’s a twenty-dollar bill. Coffee is four bucks.
GOD
What do you want? I’m a big tipper.
GAZ
Where are you going?
GOD
I want to check my email.
God picks up his chair and takes it over to a terminal and proceeds to log on. Lala returns to the table and puts the coffee down. Gaz hands her the twenty.
GAZ
He said keep the change.
LALA
No shit? Hey mister, I mean, your holiness, thanks a million!
Lala walks over to God’s terminal and peers over his shoulder.
LALA (Contnd)
Hey, she’s cute.
GAZ
(Standing to look at the screen)
You’re looking at porn?
LALA
That doesn’t look like porn to me. It’s just a cute girl with no cloths on…
GOD
I guess she is kind of cute when you think about it.
LALA
You know I was thinking of doing my hair like that.
GAZ
I can’t believe you’re looking at pictures of naked women.
GOD
Gaz, I invented naked women.
GAZ
But isn’t that wrong? I mean isn’t porn bad?
GOD
Ya know Gaz, there’s good and bad in everything.
LALA
See I still don’t consider this porno.
GAZ
Nobody’s talking to you.
LALA
Excuser-moi?
GOD
Kids, kids relax…. Satan sends this stuff to me in my email as a practical joke. I send him pictures of saints and angels, really burns him up. … You got any more questions?
LALA
Hey I got a question. Did the devil create porn?
GAZ
Uh Miss Thang, he came here to talk to me. (Turning to God) But that is a good question.
GOD
Huh? Wait, what do you want to know?
GAZ
Did Satan create pornography?
GOD
Hmmm…I can’t prove that. But I know for a fact he invented pop-up ads.
Lala and Gaz start cracking up. They give the other the high five. By the time they gain composure God is gone.
The End
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