A More or Less Scientific Explanation Of The Mystical Arts

As executive director of Two-Guy’s Institute for Paranormal Investigation, each day I amass beer buckets of correspondence from the general uneducated public. Usually the selfless inquirers are the well-to-do anxious types who need to know exactly how to put the whammy on someone else. And are willing to pay biog bucks for it.

Let it be clear, our organization vehemently condemns any practice that is karmically objectionable. On the other hand, we do have bills to pay and my partner’s wife has alcohol, drugs, tobacco, and gambling problems.

Here is an overview of the most pondered subjects.

Curses and Maledictions

Curses go back to early biblical times. One might say that God himself put the first curse on the first man. A curse is part practical joke, part perception of psychosomatic reality. It is not difficult to make all manner of misfortune befall someone. It is imperative however that a curse is known to, and believed by the person you put it on. One could earmark the information with arbitrary warnings such as: “I really don’t advice driving at night for a while.” Subsequently fliers appear on their windows every day from a different brake specialist. The very least you will do is have them so worried and frantic behind the wheel… well, accidents do happen. In the unfortunate event that this not-so innocent victim goes careening into a canyon, the argument could be made that the curse in fact worked. In either case, you are still responsible for the results. The Lords Of Karma don’t shine too gently on revenge. You have been warned.

Voodoo Dolls

Popular in Haitian culture for centuries, voodoo in reality has been practiced in nearly every civilization since man discovered fire and learned how to barbecue. Interestingly enough, in every manifestation of the practice, the proverbial voodoo-doll is the real show stealer. Nowadays any Joe knows how to make a voodoo doll. But few know how to make it work. The selected sufferer must know about the voodoo doll and (somehow) be convinced you have the facilities to make it work. Obviously, no easy task. I received an email from a young woman who succeeded in here labors a little too well.

Dear Sir,

There is a woman at work I hate. I made a voodoo doll that looks just like her and used hair i swiped at our salon. I took pictures of the doll and email her everyday showing the thing in all kinds of dreadful situations. I also have the doll keep a dairy of all the things that are going on in her life she doesn’t know about. I make it all up. She has become a complete nervous wreck and may soon get fired. The doll emails her three times a day and has her convinced her boyfriend is cheating on her. Since I also include dozens of photographs of the doll eating candy and ice cream, this chick has gained fifty-three pounds the past month alone. Now her boyfriend is looking at another woman. ME!

Sounds like a success story until you consider the outcome. Of which, I am still amazed she shared with me. The boyfriend did leave the “hated girl” for “Me”. Things were going fine until he beat up her cat, stole her car, credit cards and jewelry before skipping town back to Australia. Now, what were we saying about karma?

Numerology

Divination by numbers has long played an important part in the psychic landscape. Three days after the Neolithic period ended, numerology was created in what is now known as Mesopotamia. Nobody knows how the decision of what numbers mean came about. However, it is universally accepted in all civilizations they share the same definition. From Antarctica to Ceylon, five means the same thing; numskull. A quick over view of the figures should shed a little light on the mysterious principles of nine single digits. Nonetheless, it will not do anything to help figure out lotto.

There are nine numbers each with symbolic or real domain over a different letter.

Add the numbers of a name or an event until they reach a single digit. That is your number of divination.

Example:

b i t c h

2+9+2+3+ 8 = 24 / 2+4= 6

Number One

One means solitude. If the letters in your name adds up to one, now you know why you can’t get a date on Saturday night. If you fancy dreams of one-day meeting Mr. Right, getting married, having children, then thoughtlessly morphing from hot, desirable wife to hopelessly neurotic soccer-mom, you’d had better change your name straight away.

Number Two

One must turn this number on its head to understand it. Two literally means only one of two things could occur. When you consider there are usually endless ways a thing can go wrong, two is not so terrible. If your name happens to add up to the number two, you are a schizophrenic. The good news is, if you do posses multiple personalities, you will only have two.

Number Three

This is a good number. It means you will be in love three times. The accidental boating accidents of your first two husbands will be tragic, but the third will be your prince charming. All the same, if you catch him wearing spandex, for any reason at all, dump him and change your name.

Number Four

Four is a tricky number to decipher. It usually means: “of high intelligence”. But my uncle Hector’s name adds up to four and he can’t even count to three. In Japan great pain is put forth to find a child’s name that adds up to four. So if you’re wondering where that Asians are smarter than you stereo type comes from, now you know. Massimo Kawasaki named his son Sal, hoping for an American Christian name. However, Sal adds us to five. The number of idiots. Sal is now a potato chip inspector at a Frito-Lay factory in Seoul.

Number Five

Unfortunately five frequently fetches bad news. Never propose to a woman on the fifth of the month or the fifth day of the week. You will not only get turned down, she will also try to shoot you. Wars that are waged in May always result in defeat. Five is also the number of lesser brainpower. Taking any exam in May is always a bad idea. No person in history whose name adds up to five has ever had an I.Q. over 60.

Number Six

Six means sex. Plane and simple. The top ten porn stars names all add up the number six. If your girlfriend’s name adds up to six you had better start asking some questions. All pimps nickname their girls six names.

Number Seven

It is called lucky number seven for a reason. Seven always brings good fortune. All the people you know who land great jobs doing nothing and making more money than you, that dude you know who is bone-sucking ugly, yet has the awesome looking girlfriend, people who walk down the street, and find fifty dollars, all of them have names that add up to seven.

The Number Eight

Eight means struggle. What ever you do, not give your child an eight name. He will catch hell in school and. other kids will make fun of him. Eventually he will become a loner and outcast and drift into a Goth phase. What comes next remains for the imagination of a disturbed teenager. But why wait that long? The first time you see the kid wearing a black trench coat on a hot summer day, rifle threw his room and get ready to call the cops.

The Number Nine

Nine means endings. It is very important to not marry in September. A person going threw a nine year will drop long time friends, suddenly move and change their appearance. A person going through a nine period often victimize many people because they impulsively do things they are morally against. Can you smell the odiferous scent of social pathology just oozing from this number?

Satan Worshiping

Satan worshipers are without doubt, the most desperate people on earth. Come on; you have to be pretty hard- up for company if you want to hang out with the devil. People generally come to satanic rites with selfish motives. They are lured by the promise of eternal youth or endless wealth, or free cable in exchange for their souls. Pardon me for being judgmental, but to sell ones soul to look twenty eternally hardly seems like a bargain. Yet the teenybopper Lucifer groupies actually hypnotized themselves into making minor things happen that “prove” Satan is on their side. Eventually, things go wrong, as they predictably do in life and Satan again becomes the enemy. The devil is not exactly the kind of deity you want to be on bad terns with. The bottom line is, there are only three ways to get what you want form life. Make an unwise pact with the devil, faithfully pray to God, or just go out and make it happen yourself.

The Laws of Cause and Effect

Karma has still not been proven scientifically, but most men and women of knowledge will agree, it is long overdue. Though there is no proof anything bad will happen to the happen to someone who has harmed you, a person’s pathology is their own punishment. This simply means the laws of averages dedicates someone will eventfully pop them in the jaw for the same thing they did to you. And that, I say, is karma well served.

A More or Less Scientific Explanation Of The Mystical Arts and all contents in the collection titled You Always Hurt The One You Love are protected by the United States Copyright office. Any publication, public performance, duplication or recording is prohibited without the written permission of the author Gaz O’Connor. Copyright 2011